Lately, things have been… well, stalled really. It’s like my little bubble of the world decided to slow way the fuck down while the rest of the world keeps chuggin’ right the fuck along.
And, fuck.. I don’t even know.
That’s how I feel about it and every other fucking thing. I feel like an angsty 20 year old college girl who just got dumped, and I’m gonna drown my sorrows in some Zima and croon at the top of my lungs to Garbage’s “Stupid Girl”.
If any 20-somethings or maybe even 30-somethings are reading this, they’re probably like “Lol wut?”
And to them, I’ll just say “Fuck you. Learn some goddamn proper grammar. And then, read up on the awesome culture of the early 90s. Fuck.”
Obviously, I’m feeling a bit lost right now and alright, yes… slightly pissy. August was a stupid month, and we were go go go. And now, I’m trying to get back into the swing of my life. And those two words right there are causing me to pause… my life.
What is my life exactly? What is it that I do? I know what I want to do. But for fuck’s sake, it is most definitely not what I actually do.
Right now, I feel like I’m not the leading lady of my own movie. Know what I mean? I feel like I’ve almost always played a supporting role. And, I’m not blaming other people for that really. It’s my own doing. It’s my nature and my upbringing that causes me to give, give, and give and ask for very little in return while fading into the background.
Whether I like to admit it or not, in my own subtle way, I guess I’ve always tried to make others happy from parents to friends to boyfriends and significant others. When you do all that you can to help others on their path in life from simple encouragement to financial support to emotional support, it doesn’t leave a whole lot of motivation left for yourself. Ideally, there should be some give and take, but it doesn’t always work out that way for whatever reason.
So, what do you do when you feel like you’re losing sight of not only your ambitions and goals but your identity as well?
1. Realize your family, friends, etc. can take care of themselves.. at least for a little while. I can’t even imagine if I had children. I’m not condoning whatsoever those parents who hightail it out their children’s lives, but I can definitely comprehend the desire to do so from a mental breakdown point of view. (Yet another reason why I haven’t spawned.) If you have young children, unload ’em onto grandma and gramps or someone else for a couple hours if not for a whole weekend from time to time. It’ll be good for you and them. The house can stay messy, figuring out dinner can wait, your to-do list will still be there a few hours later, etc., etc.
2. Take some goddamn alone time! Do what YOU want to do. Sunday, I went off by myself to the bookstore, grabbed a spiced pumpkin muffin and my first PSL (Pumpkin Spice Latte) of the season (I like the new version – much tastier!), and browsed the latest in fiction. I had planned on sticking around to do some writing, but it turned out to be such a beautiful day so I headed off to the beach. I sat on a log for a little while and just observed. I shared my tree log with a dude who decided to nap on the beach in the sun (lovely idea and a great day for it!), and I also watched the sailboats, a volleyball game, families playing and flying kites, and other solo beachcombers all while listening to the waves. Being on or near the water brings me peace like nothing else. It was much needed therapy. What would your perfect scenario for spending some time alone? Go do it.
3. Create the time to achieve those goals and ambitions that are stewing in the back of your mind and stick to it. No ifs, ands, or butts. For those of us with a natural caretaker personality, this is essential. It’s a constant struggle, I know! For me, I’m thinking I’m gonna have to wake early in the morning *fingers crossed!* to get some writing in before walking the dogs, exercising, and all the other mundane tasks that I allow to take precedence during my usual days.
4. Write. It doesn’t have to be a blog or a book per se. Just a private journal will do. I find it helpful to get my thoughts out on paper. It helps me to sort out what I’m feeling and why. It may take some practice, but I think you’ll come away with more insight on what you need to do to get your mojo back.
5. Enlist a support system. You can’t help others all the goddamn time and then expect to have any energy left over for yourself. So, enlist the aid of a significant other, friend, mentor, a pertinent online community, or a local group. Whatever works for ya. Anyone who can give you a push and some encouragement along the way will suffice.
All of these are difficult things to achieve for us nurturers, but I’ll admit #5 is the hardest for me. It doesn’t help that I don’t like people in general. Leaning heavily on the introversion scale, I find being around most people exhausting. So, there’s that. Plus, I’ve always had the ‘I can do it myself’ attitude. Mostly because I’ve always had to be my own cheerleader throughout my life with an occasional outside boost from time to time. But, the type of support system I’m talking about is a little different. You’re not asking someone to take care of you in a ‘you’re weak and need help living life’ sort of way but to hold you accountable for whatever it is you desire and maybe once in a while, give you what you need… whether it’s space, time, a few words of encouragement, or a hug.
Whether you have one person or a whole gaggle of a support system, I think it’s not only okay but definitely important to be the captain of your cheerleading squad. ;)
Make it happen, folks.
*I discovered the goofy video editing on my phone during my day at the beach of Golden Gardens Park. Enjoy! :p